In the City that never sleeps 4

I was grateful that things around the Palace were mostly quiet. With Thrawn away and Lord Vader in and out, I was left to my own devices which meant I could actually work to a decent schedule. I was glad of this because of meant I could return to training with Master Kjestyll on a more or less regular basis. However not all my lessons with him went as well as I liked. In difference to what he usually did when I was wound up and unmanageable, this time he surprised me. Instead of trying to bend me to change, he changed the environment.

The wind whispered through the trees, rustling the leaves gently. The constant hum of the Coruscanti traffic had faded into the background. The air was sweet here, filled with the scent of the flowers which bloomed in the well groomed beds and the grass which was perfectly manicured. This was a small pocket of calm in a city which never stopped moving, never slept and never knew peace.

I was both exhausted and exhilarated at the same time, something that came with hours of exercise and concentration. It was a state I was rarely able to reach but when I did, I knew a sort of peace which, these days, was hard to come by. I sat cross legged with my eyes closed, breathing in and out as though there was nothing else in the universe that mattered. Seated across from me was Master Kjestyll. For the first time in a long time I felt a sense of satisfaction radiate from him.

Dragging me out of the training room we usually used to this small private garden well away from the palace had been an idea I was opposed to but in the end, as usual, he had been right.
He had known the moment he had seen me, for the first time since I returned to the core, that something was terribly wrong. He was not a man who pried, as a rule. He had been hired to train me in the Bunduki arts not act as a counsellor but sometimes a teacher had to be both, especially when the weight I carried around on my shoulders interfered with what he was trying to teach me.

“The burden of your fears constricts the ease of your movements.” He had said without reproach or annoyance when I could not seem to perform the particular move he had asked me to. This was an old issue, one that I could not seem to overcome and it frustrated me. The more frustrated I had gotten the less I was able to do as he instructed.

His words had provoked an immediate and unwanted flash of both anger and sorrow. I had had to turn away from him then because I had wanted to lash out and cry all at the same time. He had considered this for a moment then without explanation or further discussion he had told me to follow him. I had done so without question.

He had led me out of the palace, along the common walk ways until, after well over an hour I found myself in a part of the city I had never been to before standing before a wall with a locked door. He had unlocked the door and ushered me inside. I was surprised at what I saw. It was a garden of extraordinary beauty. The moment I entered and the door closed behind us, it was as if the rest of the galaxy no longer existed. I sighed, letting go of a breath I was not even aware that I had been holding and Master Kjestyll had smiled.

He had not spoken a word but I knew by the look on his face and his body language that now the real work would start. Warmed up from the brisk walk to this place we began to train, to spar without words. For the first time in a long time I felt uncluttered and free. Hours passed like moments. When he felt that I had done enough we went through the process of stretching to cool my body down and then he had insisted I close my eyes and find my center. I did as he asked and time slipped by like a whisper. With a deep, deep breath I ended the meditation and opened my eyes. I found myself staring into the eyes of my Bunduki Master. He had been watching me the entire time.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Light headed.” I told him honestly, “As though the world suddenly got brighter, easier to carry.”

He smiled. “You trained well today.” He nodded.

Compliments from him were rare. “Thank you, Master.”

“Now, perhaps in this place away from prying eyes and hidden ears you will tell me of what it is that troubles you.”

In difference to how I usually reacted when someone asked me this question, I didn’t make a face. Instead I considered my words carefully. It was not that I didn’t want to tell Master Kjestyll what was eating me up from the inside out, it was more about finding the right way to do it. He was patient and he waited.

As I sat, bathed in the warmth of the sun’s light, caressed by the soft breezes which made the leaves in on the trees shiver, I searched for the right words. In the end I began my explanation by telling him about what had happened at Wayland. I didn’t need to go into details; I suspected he knew far more about such things than most people could ever imagine, I just told him what had occurred. I told him about the nightmares that had plagued me since and about the nagging sense of wrongness I had been feeling recently with everything that had to do with the Emperor and all that he touched. Master Kjestyll listened without interruption or comment.

“Do you sympathise with the people who fight against the Empire?” he asked after a very long silence. It was not the question I had expected from him.

I shook my head. “No.” my answer was honest and immediate. “I understand why they fight but I don’t think they are right.”

“Why?” He asked.

“These conflicts are cyclical.” I replied. He cocked his head to one side in question; he had not expected this answer. I continued. “I have been reading about the wars the galaxy has gone through in the past. It seems to me that there is always someone at some point who decides the government needs to change. One side dictates the rules and another side decides they don’t like it. The galaxy is in constant turmoil, it is only the size of these battles that really changes. Sometimes it’s on a planetary scale and sometimes it’s on a galactic scale but it’s always happening.” I said. “At any given time in the galaxy someone is in some sort of conflict.”

“This is true, but do you not feel you should take a side?”

I shook my head. “If I had remained on Tatooine I would not be an active part of this conflict currently happening. It would have been words on a news cast, something happening some place else. It’s only because I work so closely within the government that I know so much about what is going on. Are we all really so oppressed by the Empire? Is it really that terrible? I don’t see a difference between how the Hutts run things and how the Empire runs things. What happens if these rebels win? What will they replace the current government with? How do I know that won’t be worse?” I drew a deep breath. “From everything I have ever read it always seems to me that when there is a revolution to overthrow a government that is unpopular whatever replaces it eventually makes the same mistakes. It goes around in a huge circle.”

My master watched me carefully, his steel grey eyes thoughtful and a little surprised. “That is a cynical answer for someone whose spirit is not usually so dark.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is.” I told him flatly wondering what he knew about my spirit.

He regarded me for a moment then asked. “So what is it that you are afraid of?”

There was a moment’s pause then unbidden and without thinking I blurted out, “I am scared of being swallowed up by the darkness all around me.” I was surprised by this, he was not. This was the answer he had wanted but woudl not have gotten had this been his first question.

“This is the weight you carry around with you.” He said gently. “This fear clouds your judgement and your ability to move. You know what it is you fear, but do you know why?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “I can think of many reasons, all of them valid but none of them strong enough to be the answer that makes perfect sense.”

“You look for perfection in an imperfect galaxy. No such thing exists.” He chided.

“Then what do I do?” I asked, for the first time understanding I was lost.

“Let go of your fear.” He said.

“That is easier said than done.”

“Yes, it is.” He nodded.

I studied my nails for a moment, avoiding his steady gaze. I sighed. “I feel as though I am at war with myself. It feels like I imagine having brain parasites or some similar infection must feel.” I said finally. “It’s an itch in my head I can’t seem to scratch, a buzzing. It just feels wrong. Like a ship’s engine with something out of synch.” I paused. “I feel as though I am being pushed down a path I am not sure I want to take.”

He nodded. “That is a perceptive description of the Dark side of the Force.” He said thoughtfully.

“How do you know about the dark side of the Force?” I asked.

“When you have lived for as long as I have you tend to learn a thing or two about many topics and many systems of belief.”

“Are you a force user?” I dared to ask him.

His smile was slow. “Do you sense the force in me, Ke’ashj Merlyn?”

I drew a deep breath and dropped all my guards. I opened my self up to him, to the living world around me. I could feel the ebb and flow of the garden, I could sense the city that lay beyond the walls vaguely, as though the high duracrete walls kept most of that white noise at bay but of Master Kjestyll there was no sense at all. In the force he was just a shadow. This was unusual. Even beings who were head blind, like Thrawn, shone in the force like a beacon to me. The more I pushed to find master Kjestyll in the swirling dance that was the Force of all things, the more vague his image became. If I kept this up I would give myself a headache. I withdrew.

“No, not the way I would if you could use it, I’ve met other force sensitives. They leave a ripple. You don’t.” I said. “But my talent isn’t very strong.” I added.

He regarded me for a moment. “Perhaps not, but you are.”

I shivered a little as a cloud passed across the sky, blocking the sun’s warmth for a moment. I looked at him, waiting for him to clarify. He folded his hands together, resting in his lap, a motion I found disarmingly delicate.

“I have trained many at the palace during my time under Palpatine’s rule, seen many students, some of which were touched by the force and many more who were not. It is not often that a student comes to me as old as you were when I first began your training. Usually when this is the case, that person’s will had already been bent in a certain direction. You were not like that. Despite the directions that certain people wish to pull you in, you resist. You are strong, which is why, in spite of the fact that you are difficult to teach, I continue to do so.”

I looked at him for a while. Trying to figure out what it was he was trying to tell me without actually saying anything. He held my gaze until I dropped my eyes to study my hands.

“Child, look at me.” His voice was quiet, reminding me of my uncle’s. I did as he asked. He smiled a little. “The palace is full of negative energy, that you cannot settle there never surprises me.” He said.

“Why do you teach me?” I asked suddenly.

“Because I was asked to do so.” He answered. It was not a lie, but it was not the whole truth either.

“Why did you bring me here?” I glanced, indicating the garden we sat in.

He smiled. “So you might know peace.”

I just stared at him for a moment, weighing the merits of further questions. His expression never changed. There was something about him, about his manner that told me he was more than just one of the Emperor’s Bunduki masters. This had always been the case but up until now I had ignored it because he worked for the Emperor and the Emperor always had an agenda no matter what. I assumed this agenda continued on with the people who worked under him, but now, in this garden I was not so sure this was the case.

I sighed and looked up into his grey eyes. “You are not what you seem to be, are you?”

His unblinking stare never wavered as he answered. “None of us are.”

It was the only answer he could have given but all of a sudden it stirred up more curiosity than it had quelled. I opened my mouth to ask something but he waved at me with one hand.

“No more questions today.” He said firmly. “Clear your mind. In this place the stillness you seek to become is easier to find. Take advantage of this.”

I nodded and closed my eyes. Despite the fact there was only one sun, its light warmed my skin. I leaned back against the tree behind me and listened to the wind. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be shown this place again and I wasn’t ready to leave its quiet just yet.

Slipping back into that meditative state was easier than usual. Finding that quiet centered space where everything and nothing seemed to meet and become one was a little like coming home. It was a comforting and familiar greyness that held neither promise nor threat; it simply was so when the vision began, at first, I was very confused.

I opened my eyes but instead of seeing my master I saw vast forest that went on for kilometres. I had no idea where I was or, for that matter, when. I looked around but I was alone except for the lambda class shuttle that sat on the plateau a short way from where I stood. Off in the distance I could see smoke and I could hear the faint sounds of blaster fire. I shivered with a deep sense of inexplicable sorrow, there were tears streaming down my cheeks. I had not bothered to wipe them away. I looked up just in time to see something massive burst apart with such force that I expected I, too, would be wiped out by the shock wave that must surely follow but no such thing happened. I watched as billions of tiny fragments, meteors burned up in the atmosphere. A wind rippled through the forests and I thought I heard it whisper my name. I turned around as a shiver crossed my spine. Behind me shimmered a ghost like figure, a young man with long shaggy hair and a scar across his right eye. His face was familiar to me but I couldn’t quite place it.

“You should go now.” The ghostly figure said.

A blaster shot, much closer than before broke the moment and I turned to see where it had come from, when I turned back the ghost was gone. The sense of loss was overwhelming and I had no idea where to go or what to do next. As I stood on the precipice hesitating, one word echoed in the air…’Go!’

The touch of a hand, warm and strong upon my own brought me back to the here and now. This time when I opened my eyes I found myself looking into Master Kjestyll’s. He was concerned. The disorientation I felt was disarming. It took me a few seconds to realise that there was no forest, no explosion and no ghost. There was just me and him in a garden somewhere on Coruscant. It did nothing to explain my tears.

“What did you see?” he asked.

I told him. It did not occur to me to question how he even knew I had seen something, anything.

“I have known Jedi who were able to see backwards and forwards through time.” He said. “A powerful skill but not one I ever envied. The force sometimes sends its users visions of the past, of the future.” He commented. “A Jedi master I once knew told me that time is always fluid and in motion. Visions are fleeting glimpses of what may be, and what has passed.”

I struggled to shake off the terrible sense of sadness which lingered. “I don’t know what this was, the future, the past, I have no idea.” I told him. “I get dreams all the time but visions like this are rare. Why do they happen? What does it all mean?”

He shrugged ever so slightly. “For the answer to that you would have to consult a Jedi master or perhaps a Sith master.” He replied. “But perhaps they are sent as warnings or as guides.”

“I thought all of the Jedi were killed. How would I be able to ask them if they are all dead?” I asked more crossly than I had intended. I didn’t relish the thought of discussing my dreams and visions with Lord Vader or the Emperor.

Master Kjestyll regarded me for a moment. “Of course, you are right.” He said in that manner which told me I had missed the point, as usual.

I was suddenly very tired and it was getting late. I had not noticed the passage of time or the fact that the sun was now low in the sky, the bright yellow if its light turned to dusk orange. Master Kjestyll stood up and I did the same, taking once last long glance around at the beauty of the garden before reluctantly following him out of its sanctuary. I was startled by the noise of the city which had seemed so faint behind the garden’s walls and the sorrow I had felt in my vision returned. As he locked the door to the garden it occurred to me to wonder why no one seemed to notice this place. A small walled off square in a less busy area of a city that just never stopped. I knew we were not on ground level; there had been too much sunlight for that, so it must have been on top of some flat roofed building which had been somehow covered and layered into the ever changing landscape of Coruscant.

“Will I ever get to come here again?” I asked quietly as he began the walk back to the palace.

“Perhaps.” Was all the answer I got. I was content that it hadn’t been a ‘no’. The rest of the walk was silent.

At the foot of the stars which led to the small entrance near the North side of the Palace, Master Kjestyll bid me good evening.

“We will continue our lessons the day after tomorrow in your training room. I have asked another student to come and spar with you; I believe you know Makki Iekki.”

I nodded. I could not hide my delight. Despite the fact he had told me I would be able to train with other students it was something that happened rarely. I had met Makki at the Bunduki trials and we had become friends after a fashion. I was happy to get to see him again.

“Then, Ke’ashj Merlyn, I wish you a pleasant night without any more disturbing dreams.” And before I could reply or bow in respect he had turned around and disappeared into the oncoming night.